Whose Side am I On?

Recently, I not-so-gently pointed out multiple things my son had done wrong.  Shortly thereafter, I was getting dressed when my conscience whispered, like a 'still, small voice', "Do you really want to be on the side of 'the accuser'?"  Ugh.  Too often I am the accuser of my children -- I stand with my checklist and see with blinding clarity all the things they do wrong, and am too quick to point out each one.  In my human (self-)righteousness, I often take the wrong side -- and, (as with all sin) for a time it feels so right!  After realizing that I could have instead gently corrected him, and been more effective!, I apologized to my son for my fault-finding, crabby disposition.

When my child leaves the room a mess, is my first assumption, followed quickly by my anger, that he is rebellious, disobedient, personally out to mess with my day?  Too often, yes.  What if I change my assumptions, and thus, the side I take?

A few years ago, my whole view of discipline was turned upside down during a book discussion where we unpacked a sentence which included this phrase:

"...[Children are] weak and ignorant persons, whose ignorance we must inform and whose weakness we must support, but whose potentialities are as great as our own..."  Link

In our culture, ignorance and weakness sound like negative terms, but ignorance simply means not knowing, and weakness is how we all enter the world.  Children are fully persons, who are simply ignorant and weak, and occasionally rebellious.  They need for us to inform and support them, rather than accuse.  Now I try to ask these simple questions when my children "mess up":

1. Was she ignorant?  Meaning, did she simply not know what she ought to do?  This is frequently the case.  My job is to inform.  Did I set clear expectations?   If not, I can say, with a level head, "I'm sorry, I didn't make the expectations clear..."   Then, the next time we are about to enter a new situation (doctor's office, Aunt Lilly's front room, a Christmas performance) I can quietly get down on one knee and kindly inform them along these lines, "When we go in, say hello to Mrs. Smith.  You can sit quietly with some crayons and paper I brought for you to use.  You may touch the things on the small table only, and when we leave, we will have some time for you to run and play."  Then, I ask them to "tell back" what I said.  If they can, then I know, and they know, that they are no longer ignorant.  Informing is training my child in an area of manners or other habits so they are prepared for their world, set up to succeed rather than fail.
2. Was he weak?  Most often when children misbehave, it is because their will is weak to both remember and make them do what they already know they ought.   My job is to support them in their weakness.  They may need a natural consequence, a way of remembering, a diversion, a new idea, a decent night of sleep, some encouragement from what will come after a trial is endured.  For example a child who tends to forget to brush their teeth could have a small note posted in an obvious place that says "brush teeth" as a reminder, until it becomes a habit.   They may need a new thought or story of charity to help inspire them to replace an unkind habit.  Children are strengthened in their weakness with the secure knowledge that play will follow work, dessert will follow vegetables, dinner will be served after toys are picked up, reaping will follow sowing (positive and negative).  Now I can pray, "Lord, show me how can I help to strengthening this area where my child is weak," and then listen and obey Him; rather than being controlled by anger rooted in hurt, fear or frustration.  Anger is never helpful in training, because children (rightly) view discipline in anger as being about my emotions rather than their growth.  
3. Was he rebellious?  Rarely this is the case, and it should be the last thing we assume.  If our child rebels, our job is to firmly, but still lovingly, confront.  This may take courage and usually some pain on our part and theirs, as natural consequences are allowed to take their course.   But remember that we, too, have been rebels and have learned hard lessons, and He always waits as our Hope to welcome and forgive the repentant rebel.  I am amazed how seldomly my children continue to rebel against a natural consequence, given without anger.  (Remember the wise proverb:  "Don't fight with a pig -- you'll both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.") And if my child is unusually rebellious, I must ask myself, "Have I exasperated him by not really treating him as a person?  Is there something this person needs that I have withheld?" -- Time, sleep, consistency, affection, a ready ear, gentleness, respect, attention, etc?  While the rebellion must not be excused, I find that often I, too, have an area where I need to repent.  Rebellion tends to be infrequent when child and parent have real relationship together.

"But of two things [the mother] will be careful––that [the child] never slips off without [doing as they ought], and that she never lets the matter be a cause of friction between herself and the child, taking the line of his friendly ally to help him against that bad memory [or other weakness] of his."  Link

This is revolutionary to me.  Am I on her side as her ally; or against her as her accuser? Satan is the accuser.  Christ is our ally.  Christ is the one who humbled himself to experience life as I do (though without sin), paid for my shortcomings, gently shows me where I have strayed (His kindness leads me to repentance) and teaches me graciously from his well of wisdom.  Whose side am I on?

Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.  (from Rev. 12)

Who Is This Child?

Take a little child onto your lap and consider -- "Who is this child?"  According to many educators, scientists, and even mothers, she is an accident of nature, a blank slate for you to write upon, an empty vessel for you to fill, a thing for you to mold according to your wishes, a possession that reflects upon you, a means to the inflation or deflation of your ego and pleasure, or a potential person to be trained to master an array of data and techniques that will guarantee her future "success".

OR, is this child in your arms something completely different than all that?  This child is a person, created by God, in His image, with purpose and mystery, and loved before he was ever laid in your arms.  He is an individual, separate from you, valuable in his own right, who is not yet mature, but who is complete, whole, with gifts and strengths that will surprise you.  This child is more than what you can measure, or analyze, or label, or grade.  And in some ways you are tasked to become like him.

When I first heard the phrase, 'the child is a person,' I thought, "Well, of course they are."  But over time, my eyes have been opened to the many ways I did not really see my child as a person, but as someone I could manipulate to my own convenience, "train" in much the same manner as I would a dog, and put through "systems" that 'guaranteed' attractive outcomes (for example, fool-proof 3-step discipline schemes, educational gimmicks, miracle learning toys, special sports programs).

But what does this person require?  Likely not another achievement program, more bits of random information, a stressed and boring life of worksheets, performance orientation, hurry, mind-dulling TV and video games (so that we can go deal with our stress), "quick, get to practice", "we don't have time", "I told you we couldn't", "you didn't make the cut-off"...

No, a person requires healthy nourishment (for the body and for the mind), interests, imagination, relational joy, deep thinking about real things, connection with their Creator and creation, story, spontaneity, tenderness and understanding, example, touch, hope, rest, laughter together (at the subtle ironies in life, not at some one's expense), a mature friend, a sense of "it is good to be me, here with you," real life, abundant life, time.

Your child is a person, endowed already with a rich inheritance from God which you are privileged to begin to unfold for her.  Today, let us "become as a little child", humble ourselves and forgo the self-importance of our many tasks.  Let us cuddle up to read a really good story together, play charades, watch the snow melt into rivulets, and ask questions expecting to learn, rather than having all the answers.

What would life be like if it really were "good to be me, here with you"?  ...not only if you DO the things I approve of, or ACCOMPLISH that which I value, but if you just BE you?  What if a quiet sense of wonder and joy and thankfulness to God could creep back into our homes, because we see Him for the great I AM that He is, and others for the persons God made them to be?

That bit of unease, of missing the mark, that you and I feel in the gut, just tells how far we have strayed from that for which we were created.

The Use of Small Annoyances

"My shirt is scratchy."  "I'm hungry."  "I don't like this seat." "He's bugging me."  Are the children fussy, irritated by small things, discontent,  quick to give up?


"All I want is one cup of coffee without being interrupted."  "I can't believe this mess."  "Can't I just have one minute alone?!"  (Consider any sentence in your mind that begins "Can't I just..." to be a dangerous one.)  Am I frustrated by my house that lacks perfection,  exasperated by pleasures denied, irritated by those around me? 


I am learning that each time some small disagreeable thing is put before me, and I bear it without complaint, and turn my mind from dwelling upon it, I make good use of the opportunity to make my desires my servants rather than my masters.  And, my task in parenting is not to remove all impediments to my children's happiness and comfort.


"If we try to organize perfection, we fail the child.  Part of life is to learn to accept the limitations of any given situation.  We do our children a lifelong service if we help them to make the best of where they live and who they are." (Susan Macaulay)  A wise woman stated in 1891 that a mother should be "pointing out the paths of righteousness rather than those of pleasantness, and taking care herself to walk therein." (Alice Powell)  Ah, such clarity.


Will I not let my mind dwell on the way I feel, but instead be joyous in spite of physical infirmity or small irritations?  Will I cease to review in my mind the criticism, unkind remark or look that offended? (This is part of throwing off "everything that hinders" since such a review locks me in a darkened room of discontent.)


"Never let us reflect upon small annoyances, and we shall be able to bear great ones sweetly. Never let us think over our small pains, and our great pains will be easily endurable."  (Charlotte Mason)  ...Lord, open my eyes to the truth that the small annoyances, properly ignored, are useful for developing the character I desire for my children, and myself.  

We have to form habits to express what God's grace has done in us...it is the disagreeable things which make us exhibit whether or not we are manifesting His life...When disagreeable things happen, do we manifest the essential sweetness of the Son of God, or the essential irritation of ourselves apart from Him?...Growth in grace stops the moment we get huffed.  (Oswald Chambers)

"Do the Next Thing"

As a young mom, I was often overwhelmed by the too many tasks to be done and the constant parade of needs, and I would struggle to have an attitude fit for the requirement.  If I looked at the entirety of demands, I would be tempted to feel sorry for myself.  I was often freed from the cords of discouragement by recalling and acting according to this simple phrase, which brought clarity and calm to my day: "Do the Next Thing."  

I first came across the line in an anonymous poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot.  She had been left with her infant daughter in a remote jungle missionary station after her husband was killed.  Life was uncertain, overwhelming, and this thought was a great help to her...


Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, and guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrows, child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus, do the next thing.


This morning I came across the idea again in the book Ourselves, p. 171: "It is well to make up our mind that there is always a next thing to be done, whether in work or play; and that the next thing, be it ever so trifling, is the right thing...because, each time we insist upon ourselves doing the next thing, we gain power in the management of that unruly filly, Inclination."

That "unruly filly" has so often ridden herd over my children (and myself), and the idea of the "next thing" has been helpful in returning peace to our home.  Often when the children have been fighting, dawdling, pouting, etc., it is because they were not doing the the "next thing" that they ought to have be doing.  The simple question, "What ought you to be doing?" (combined with enough responsibilities assigned to them), calmly spoken, was often sufficient to redirect their thoughts and actions.  And over time, we learn the lesson that, "If you do the next thing as you ought, you won't have time to do that which you ought not."

Atmosphere and the Bible

I love this section from Charlotte Mason: "A word about the reading of the Bible. I think we make a mistake in burying the text under our endless comments and applications. Also, I doubt if the picking out of individual verses, and grinding these into the child until they cease to have any meaning for him, is anything but a hindrance to the spiritual life.The Word is full of vital force, capable of applying itself. A seed, light as thistledown, wafted into the child's soul will take root downwards and bear fruit upwards. What is required of us is, that we should implant a love of theWord; that the most delightful moments of the child's day should be those in which his mother reads for him, with sweet sympathy and holy gladness in voice and eyes, the beautiful stories of the Bible; and now and then in the reading will occur one of those convictions, passing from the soul of the mother to the soul of the child, in which is the life of the Spirit. Let the child grow, so that,

     "New thoughts of God, new hopes of heaven,"

are a joy to him, too; things to be counted first amongst the blessings of a day. Above all, do not read the Bible at the child: do not let any words of the Scriptures be occasions for gibbeting his faults. It is the office of the Holy Ghost to convince of sin; and He is able to use the Word for this purpose, without risk of that hardening of the heart in which our clumsy dealings too often result.”

This beautifully touches on the educational value of Atmosphere.  The same Bible passage can be used as an occasion for “gibbeting faults” as we bury “the text under our endless comments and applications”, or, with a “sweet sympathy” and “holy gladness”, it can be wafted as “a seed, light as thistledown.” 

The difference is due in part to the “posture” of the teacher.  I picture in her words one who comes along side, learns with, delights together, shares authentically, and in this is like Christ, who came down to dwell among us.  May I have His posture with my children, that holy gladness, so that His words would be sweet to them and bear fruit.  

On Joy

While following website links recently I found this: "One of the first goals in creating a...community...is to build the group around joy. While many groups form around a shared fear or problem, this is not a desirable long-term plan. Joy is our deepest motivation and need. Joy needs to be the way we live. [Therapists have] discovered a remarkable reduction in crises and the need for hospitalization when trauma and abuse survivors changed their main goal from dealing with trauma to building joyful lives." Perhaps this is one reason Paul exhorts us to "rejoice in the Lord! .... it is a safeguard for you."

This reminded me of the following paragraph: "Of the three sorts of knowledge proper to a child, the knowledge of God, of man, and of the universe,––the knowledge of God ranks first in importance, is indispensable, and most happy-making....we shall be astonished at the range and depth of children's minds; and shall perceive that their relation to God is one of those 'first-born affinities' which it is our part to help them to make good. A mother knows how to speak of God as she would of an absent father with all the evidences of his care and love about her and his children. She knows how to make a child's heart beat high in joy and thankfulness as she thrills him with the thought, 'my Father made them all,' while his eye delights in flowery meadow, great tree, flowing river. 'His are the mountains and the valleys his and the resplendent rivers, whose eyes they fill with tears of holy joy,' and this is not beyond children."

This summer my two youngest children were with me near Breckenridge we pulled over beside the road so my son could fish a bit.  He started pulling in beautiful trout as we enjoyed a magnificent sunset ever changing all around us.  We were in awe of the river, mountains, sky, and we took a moment to thank our Father "who made them all."  Before we got in the truck, and as the moon rose nearby, my son said, "I don't know why... I'm not sad...but I feel a little like crying."  Those, I believe, were tears of holy joy. They are not beyond children, and if we don't crowd our lives too much, they are not beyond us either.

May we build with joy, at home and at school, because it is a gift with which we reflect an accurate portrayal of our Lord, who is good. "Rejoice in the Lord always."

"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." --Jesus

Why "For the Children's Sake?"

More than a decade ago, when I was looking for a kindergarten for my firstborn son, a woman gave a book to me by the title, "For the Children's Sake", written by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay, Francis Schaeffer's daughter.  As I read it, I was hit with those "aha" moments where truths that were "under the surface" of my conscientiousness suddenly had words attached to them and took on life.  


My parenting at that time (full of stickers and treat jars to manipulate my toddlers to compliant behavior) was miles from the gentle, Christlike ways described in this book.  I could sense that this was so much more full of light and joy and beauty than my sharp lines bounded by law.  


"If Christianity is indeed true, then every last little child matters...Let us really and truly be courageous...One day we will stand before the Creator.  Were we willing to give, serve and sacrifice 'for the children's sake?'"  


The phrase didn't originate with Macaulay, but was the motto of a teaching college in Ambleside, England in the late 1800's.  Here, six volumes were written on learning, and leading children to love to learn.   


Parenting.  Educating.  For the children's sake. In as much, as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, ye have done it unto Me.