Striving or Abiding

This Thanksgiving I went home.  I spent time with my 89 year old mother, who continues to 'say goodbye' to friends and abilities and pleasures.  I spent time with someone precious to me who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer, and is considering all that may entail.  I saw friends who are letting go of children as they leave for college, and others who are grappling with financial losses.  It dawned on me that I am entering a time in life when the "facade" of ever climbing and achieving is beginning to crack and crumble, and those whose well-being is placed in "success" are being disappointed.

And I have a choice to make:  I can strive (ever harder).  Or I can abide.

Striving is, of course, the most natural thing to do, and the most 'American':  "Go for it."  "Just do it."  "Be all you can be."  "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."  It actually embodies much of what I value and love about my country, my upbringing, my life.  I came of age with Ronald Reagan in the White House, prosperity abounding, the Soviet Union falling, real estate prices soaring, grand opportunities for young women.  I grabbed the brass ring whenever I could -- an MBA, a mountain of moguls, a Capitol Hill career.  But I'm beginning to see cracks in the foundation of the shining edifice of achievement.   Inevitably must come the "letting go" of all that I can build, buy, attain, achieve, as it is swallowed up -- finally, by death itself.

All this sounds a bit depressing until I lay down my "striving" glasses and put on "abiding" ones. If I change my goal to abiding -- with Jesus Christ, and with others -- then I will ultimately gain fullness and real relationship rather than loss.  Even death itself will only bring me face to face with the object of my supreme affection.  Only in abiding rather than in striving do these passages begin to make sense:

• "...make it your ambition to lead a quiet life."  1 Thes. 4:11
• “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."  John 15:5
• "that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you." John 17: 21

My dictionary defines 'abide' as to "continue without fading or being lost.  Live, dwell."  What would  abiding look like in my life? 

• Living with Christ, where he is invited to dwell in and transform my thoughts, anxieties, etc.
• Time with Jesus, to gain His heart, His perspective, His direction for my day and my life.
• Walking 'in step' with the Spirit - not ahead, not behind.
• Actions done out of 'glad surrender' to Christ, dependent on Him, with His energy behind it.
• Unhurried time with family and friends, where it is "good to be me, here with you." 
• Forgoing of my agenda; seeking of His.  
• Trust in Jesus for fulfillment and results, rather than in myself.
• Love and value of others as persons rather than seeing them as a means to achieving my goals.
• More romance with my husband, as 'one flesh' means abiding with him.
• Worship, humility, vulnerability.

And, what lies/fears must be blown away about abiding?  

• That I will become lazy, get nothing done, and that my needs will not be met.  
• That God is not fully real, involved, good, trustworthy, powerful or "for" me.
• That if I'm not stressed out, I'm not doing enough.
• That others will think poorly of me for not doing enough.
• That I "am" what I "do", vs. that I "am" a fully accepted and loved child of God. 

The truth:  Christ was perfectly loved by and one with the Father.  He got everything done that the Father sent him to do.  It did not look particularly "successful" from a human perspective -- no earthly throne, riches, sustained popularity, but instead death on a cross, with all His followers scattered.  He simply abided and obeyed:  "The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.  Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me."  Through the cross and Christ's deep impact on a relatively small group of people, God's will was accomplished and the world was turned upside down.  Small was big.  Death was overcome by Life.  

And this same Jesus who is gracious, loving, and on my side, is my model and my savior who "pulls me up into the freedom of grace."*

"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."  Math. 10:39

Lord, let me lose my "striving" life by abiding in you.  In abiding with you, Lord, I receive Your life, real life, abundant life, life that overflows to others, life which does not end.  

*Thank you for this phrase, Lorna Armani.

'Appearing Good' vs. 'Being Good'

The other day I intended to wash my car before meeting a friend for lunch.  My car had the effects of four children and a dog and a weekend in the mountains, and my friend is always immaculate, with a beautifully maintained vehicle.  But then the call came.  One of my children needed a ride and a talk – during what would have been my car-washing time.  What to do?  It seems I face choices like this all the time…Do I get my shaggy hair cut or help someone in need?  Do I clean my house to perfection or play a game with my daughter who is hungry for some 'Mommy time'?  Do I make an impressive meal for company or choose a simple alternative so I won’t be snapping at my children in the process?  

So often, the choice I must make is between that which appears good and that which actually is good; between the "sizzle" and the "steak."  The “sizzle” is enticing, but the “steak” is what actually nourishes.  The “sizzle” appears good; but the “steak” is good.  

Today I was reading the last chapter of Galatians where Paul discusses the pressure some Christians were under to be circumcised in order to please their peers.  Paul states:  “They want to present a pleasing front to the world and they want to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ... But they want you circumcised so that they may be able to boast about your submission to their ruling.  Yet God forbid that I should boast about anything or anybody except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, which means that the world is a dead thing to me and I am a dead man to the world.”

The pull I feel to appear good is so that I look good to the world and avoid the shame of not “matching up”.  It is linked to the whole performance-oriented, justification by works, competitive system of the world.  But here Paul says I am to be as a “dead man to the world”, no longer part of the system of having to perform in order to be accepted.  Rather, I am to boast only in the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ, in whom I am fully justified.  He is the only source for any goodness I have or do. 

When my focus changes to actually being good because of HIS life in me and from a desire to please HIM, I find everything changes...

Fast to Slow.  “Appearing” is faster than “becoming.”  Real growth takes time, sacrifice, and struggle.  Compare the construction of a  “McMansion” with the skilled workmanship of a real one; or the time required to ‘cram’ for a test compared with the study necessary to really know material for a lifetime; or the results a fad diet compared with a real change in eating habits.   Most often, the slower path of "becoming" is the right one for me.

Bondage to Freedom.  That which makes me merely appear good tends to enslave me and make me compulsive.  My facades need to be constantly tended and propped up and they usually "rest" on a shaky foundation of fear; whereas that which is real is solid, lasting, and based on truth, which sets free.  I love the little line, 'Truth is your friend."  If I can make peace with the truth about me, my children, and the way things are (and, even more, with Truth Himself!), then I can live in freedom.  For example, when a new decade of my life arrives in a couple years, I can either expend lots of energy and money in trying to appear to be 25 (as if that was so great), or I can thank God for the gift of long life and ask Him how He would have me live well, with broadening joy, in the next decade of my life. 

External to Internal.  “A person is not built up from without but from within.” Charlotte Mason  “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7  So, the question: Would this thing make me, or my children,  look better on the outside, or actually be better on the inside?  Am I expending my energies primarily on the outer trappings of life, or also considering the inner life of my family and my self?  For example, when we consider a  highly competitive extracurricular activity for our child, I need to ask whether it is primarily to make them (and me) look good?  Is it at the cost of the time they or other family members need to connect with family and friends, to be trained in habits, and to experience the leisure necessary to become a whole person? 

Flesh to Spirit.  “A man’s harvest in life will depend entirely on what he sows...  If he sows for his own lower nature his harvest will be the decay and death of his own nature.  But if he sows for the Spirit he will reap the harvest of everlasting life from that Spirit.  Let us not grow tired of doing good, for, unless we throw in our hand, the ultimate harvest is assured.”  Gal. 6: 8,9.   Silk flowers are showy but gather dust, whereas sowing seed is largely unseen.  But when we reap from that which is sown to please the Spirit we experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; whereas our flesh tends to produce strife, jealousy, rivalry, and factions.  The Spirit tends toward unity; the flesh tends toward separation of God’s people from one another and from Him.  

Competition to Oneness.  Consider how difficult it is to really be friends with someone you envy or who envies you.  The trust necessary for friendship is eroded by that kind of competition.   Think how the messages all around us urge us to constantly "one up" one another, in sharp contrast to how Scripture continually urges us to "be one."    As I become good as He is good, my priority will become 'relationship' over merely 'winning.'  

Pride to Humility.  “Let every man learn to assess properly the value of his own work and he can then be rightly proud when he has done something worth doing, without depending on the approval of others.” Gal. 6:4.  Appearing good depends on the approval of man; being good seeks the approval of the “audience of One” and lets us “assess properly” in humility rather than being puffed up by the good we do.  All praise goes to God.

Remake me, Lord, to be good because You are good.  Remind me that I play for an audience of One.  Help me to lay at your feet my desire to appear a certain way.   Be my life, Lord, my joy, my all, my sufficiency.  Amen.

Growth, Hidden but Bountiful

Recently we had overnight guests in our home, an adult dinner, a board meeting.   The kids were pretty much left on their own.  My 7 year old daughter quietly interrupted to ask if she could use my Bible to memorize a little.  I said, "For school?" "No, just for fun," she responded.  I directed her to my nightstand.


Later I was tucking her into bed, where she lay with the Bible turned to the Psalms, and she read some verses out loud to me about David questioning God, and we talked about how honest he was in telling his feelings to God, how he cried out to God, and what he learned.  Then she read a few more verses silently and said eagerly, "Mommy, can I write in here?"  "Sure", I said, handing a pencil to her from her nightstand, "What do you want to mark?" And she said in her 7 year old way (she is in speech therapy to learn to say her "R" sound),

"...the Lowd has dealt bountifully with you."

The Lord, indeed, has dealt bountifully with her, and with me.


I am struck by how naturally that interaction transpired.  I did not need to dictate that she read or memorize so many verses a day... indeed, I was too distracted to do so!  Rather, I believe that her appetite was whetted by the intimacy with Bible reading and joy in memorization she experiences at school, and by the way she hears the Scriptures discussed around her.  She had the beautiful realization, that "Oh!  I can participate in this as well!  I'm old enough to understand it on my own!"  It was no chore, nothing was forced, but she was drawn into a deeper relationship with God by His word -- or more accurately -- she was drawn in to a deeper relationship with the word, by God.  And I had the blessing of realizing that I can trust God to draw her, as he drew me, to himself.


I have been struck lately how growth is so often hidden, and cannot be forced, but beautifully surprises us now and then.  We do things with our children to bring them along in maturity, but somehow, if we insist on forcing and exactly measuring the growth (in order for us to feel better), we corrupt, even kill, the very thing we seek.  


In the physical realm, we feed them healthy food and encourage exercise, but if we continually compare them to a growth chart or another child's performance or shape, we  make them self-conscious; rather, we simply go along doing the right things, and one day we are surprised when they are looking at us eye-to-eye, or when their pants come to their ankles, or when they zoom down a slope of moguls in front of us.

In the emotional realm, if I try to force them into maturity, I loose my patience at any failure.   I'm better off considering each failure as an opportunity to grow.   They will mess up.  Their friends will mess up.  It may get worse before it gets better.  But over time, with proper modeling, instruction, and adult relationships, they will come to increasing emotional maturity themselves, and one day I am delightfully surprised by a real apology, or a refusal to gossip, or a simple offer to serve.  My major contribution is how I model maturity in my response to disappointments, failures in others, apparent unfairness, etc.  

In the academic realm, is my focus on their "score" that makes me feel good, or not?  Or is it on the intellect being made more curious, the habit of diligence being forged, the interest in a new subject, the ability to endure through a difficult task, the delight of a skill newly mastered?   Sometimes the growth is obvious, sometimes it is hidden, but if a child is in a rich thought environment at home and in school, trained diligently in habits of responsibility, etc., and given a vigorous curriculum, they will grow.  Yes, that growth will eventually be reflected in their writing, their math exams and their standardized tests.  But if we place our performance anxiety on them, we may snuff their natural love for learning that is meant to be their inheritance for a lifetime; for the pittance of our seeing an improved score on a spelling test this week.

Similarly, in the spiritual realm, we foster growth primarily by allowing God to change us into people who are kind, dependent, forgiving, genuine, self sacrificing, and we let our children know that any good they see is only because of Christ, and that his word is sweet like honey, and powerful to transform.  And, that the cross Mommy they sometimes see, who is selfish and barks about messes, and wants life to be convenient, and gets too wrapped up in her "to-do" list -- that Mommy is a sinner, who has not yet surrendered every part of her self to Jesus, and would they please forgive her and pray for her and be patient with her, as she tries to be likewise with them?   We can have prayer and acts of kindness to others, and a life of faith lived in an effort to please Jesus, continually before their eyes.  We will not necessarily see steady, measurable growth this week in our children's spiritual maturity, but we can know that God is at work in them.  And though they may not remember everything we say, they will remember, and are likely to model their lives upon, that which we consistently do.


Yesterday I was reading in Matthew where the religious leaders asked Jesus for a "miraculous sign" -- they wanted proof!  And Jesus responds saying, "None will be given except the sign of Jonah."  Jonah, hidden in a fish for three days, was picture of Christ, who was hidden in a tomb for three days before he rose to life.  LIFE CAME, but only after time of waiting, a time where everything looked dead, hopeless.  We don't like that time of waiting, uncertainty, powerlessness -- we want proof, a sign, a guarantee, a measurement, right now.  Oh, Lord, help me to "take hold of the life that is truly life", to walk by faith and not by sight, to know your goodness and that you are at work, to know that you have dealt bountifully with me...and with my children.




Where do you struggle to have faith that growth is really occuring?