Grace -- Opposed to Earning, Not to Effort

I got grace.  Nearly 30 years ago I came home to a beautiful realization of God's love and forgiveness which washed over me.  Jesus had already done what I never could.  He was real and able and willing to swap my mess and performance for his real goodness.  I was freed from a burden of guilt and shame -- like the song says, it was both amazing and sweet.

Since then, I've been trying to live in that grace.  And that has been a bumpier road for me, with potholes as deep as my to-do list.

This spring a friend gave a book to me and this quote has been bouncing in my head ever since:

"Grace is opposed to earning; but not to effort."

Nearly 30 years ago it sunk in that I couldn't earn my way to God or to salvation.  To try would be like trying to swim to Hawaii.  No go.  But only this year am I figuring out that whenever I try to earn approval from someone or from God, I step outside of the ways of grace and try to find a security that has already been given in Christ.   And only this year am I figuring out that effort, on the other hand, is very much compatible with grace...

A motorhome and houseguests...

I recently returned home on a Sunday evening from an all-school camping trip with my daughter.  My husband and boys had remained in the mountains to continue some great Colorado fishing.  I had a motorhome to unpack, its kitchen and bathroom and floors to clean, emails and calls to return, a messy house, and guests arriving within 24 hours who would need fresh sheets and food.  (A typical day!)  I went to work.  I put forth effort, actually with gratitude for a great weekend, with a sense of satisfaction in knowing clearly what I needed to do, and with gladness that I had the physical ability to do it.  I had joy (really!) in the work, pleasure in seeing the disorganized and dirty become organized and clean, and anticipation for the dear friends about to visit.

And then a thought came to my mind. "Wouldn't my husband be impressed by how much I was getting done?"  And the NEXT THOUGHT was:  "Grrr, he isn't here to help me.  He is off lolly-gagging on a fishing stream while I am working."  As soon as I started to perform for him, I stepped out of the realm of grace, and I stopped giving grace.  I did the very same work, but with a completely different heart.  Gone was the lift of gratitude, peace, and joy of doing the next thing in fellowship with Christ.  Instead was the weight of striving, resentment, and the desire to control.  "See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up." Heb. 12:15

Thankfully, this time I saw the choice in the moment, and was actually able to refocus my attention to (mostly) move back to the gratitude and grace where I had begun the evening.   Here is the holy habit I want to develop: to regularly put forth effort in communion with God, and to stop being motivated to perform by earning approval.  

School days and D.O.G.s...

I attended mostly public schools as I grew up in California, with a couple "Christian" schools tossed in. They were pretty much like the public schools, but with God talk and guilt replacing the worst swear words. Same basic behaviorist system in each:  you do well, you get a treat (star, sticker, grade, happy chair, etc.); you do poorly, you get punished (demerit, name on board, bad grade, sent to principal).  You play the game well and you get patted on the head, a "Good Girl;" you play the game poorly, and you might hide, make up your own game, or quit in truancy.

One school my son attended for a short time even gave "dog treats" when kids were good, and had a "dog house" for when they were bad. This took all illusion away from what was really going on.  And the sign that suggested that D.O.G. stood for "Depend on God" did not change students' view of the system; though it may have changed students' view of God.   My son came home and asked, "Mom, why are they treating us like dogs?"  Good question, son!

I think the answer is fear.  How else will children put forth effort if they are not motivated (manipulated) by constantly earning?   I wonder if deep down we fear that the materialists are right, that our children are really animals to be controlled?  Maybe we have forgotten that they are persons who have God-given desires to know, to explore, to create, to see beauty, to worship in awe, to connect, to ponder, to grow, and to rejoice in a challenging job well done.

Here I would love to insert an observation day at my children's school where students grow to put forth amazing effort, sustained attention, and diligence, without an external "treat" in sight.  Work is seen as a gift of God and they learn to "work well, regardless of variables."  (Also called steadfastness, a sign of maturity.)  They become motivated intrinsically rather than extrinsically, and that motivation goes with them after the scaffolding of school structures have been removed.   How they do this is for another blog, but suffice it here to note that effort can and does take place apart from earning.   And where effort is exerted under grace, rather than earning based in fear or pride, the stage is set for joy, peace and "the holy emotion of gratitude" to have free play, and little space is left for anxiety.

The grace excuse; the challenge of effort...

"Oh, there is grace for that." "We are under grace, so we don't have to do anything." While grace is opposed to earning, it is not opposed to effort.  So I'm also trying to let excuses fall away.  When we co-labor with Christ we choose a yoke.  We are no longer heavy-laden, but we are also not asleep in the field.  His burden is easy when we are connected to him, but he is plowing and he is going somewhere.  This passage shows the dynamic tension of unearned grace and good deeds of his choosing:

"For it is by grace that you are saved, through faith.  This does not depend on anything you have achieved, it is the free gift of God; and because it is not earned no man can boast about it.  For God has made us what we are, created in Christ Jesus to do those good deeds which he planned for us to do." Eph. 2:8-10.

Earning vs. pleasing:

Here is what I'm pondering now...Trying to earn God's approval is an affront to grace, but seeking to please God by my actions is good.  Where lies the difference?  Earning tries to fill a gaping hole and has fear at its core.  Whereas pleasing overflows from gratitude, wholeness and the joy of communion with God.   Christ never had to earn his Father's approval; at all times he was the "beloved Son" with whom the Father was "well pleased."   Pleasing has the "chivalrous temper of proud submission and dignified obedience." C. Mason

Help me "get it," Lord.  I want to walk through my days giving forth effort and bringing pleasure to you; rather than trying to fearfully earn approval or avoid shame from those I meet.  May my habit be dignified obedience to You, the Audience of One, the One who has graciously given us grace.  

What I Learned at My Son's Graduation

Today our firstborn dons the cap and gown.  He towers over me, fully a man outside and in.  As I set pictures out for the celebration we will throw, and see the baby I brought home, whose diaper was the first I ever changed, and the boy who his whole life has had to endure first-time parents learning and experimenting on him.  This day I reflect on what I have learned these 18 years...

• A child is a person, not a competition.  I recall playgroup conversations about growth rates, developmental milestones, academic achievements, and I realize now how our tendency to view a child as a pawn to compete with others diminishes their unique value as a person.  They are more than can be measured; their value is intrinsic and is God-given and sacred.
• My job is not to control, but to gently lead.  As a new mom I felt responsible for everything my child did, and for his whole world.  With the perspective of time, I see that less concrete words like guidance, mentoring, and nurturing better fit with raising a person.  
• The outer is less important than the inner.  Whether the shirt is properly ironed or the floor picked up is less important than the tone toward a sibling or an attitude toward life.
• God makes the person, I merely have the privilege to participate in co-creation.  Somehow I began with an illusion that I was making this person, that I could take credit (or blame) for who he became.  Then I had additional children, and realized that "they are who they are," and we can only help to shape in small degrees these persons whom God has created.
• Parenting is spiritual work and I need to look deeper.  With only my human capabilities, parenting would be overwhelming and defeating.  But when I pray amidst frustrations, I find spiritual breakthroughs.
• The darkest times are often the portals to light, and repeated painful pangs often precede new birth.  I can trust rather than despair.  I have been surprised by the joy that follows hopelessness.  God is at work and there is more than my eyes can see.
• I will be surprised by what my children will become.  My sweet toddler is becoming an engineer.  That kindergartener who first walked through the doors of Ambleside School now delights in feeding the homeless, fills our home with worship through piano and song, and played in the state tournament in basketball -- who knew?  What surprises await us?
• There is joy in watching my child surpass me.  I couldn't do many things he has -- it is a pleasure to watch a person unfold and be more than the sum of his parents.
• God loves my child more than I do.  Sometimes that means they will hurt in ways I cannot help, so only Christ can meet their needs.  Broken heart, disappointments -- they also are beyond my control; only God's love is sufficient.  Maybe that's the point.
• He must increase and I must decrease.  I sat in a Senior Presentation where my son honored those who have made a difference in his high school years.   I did not know many of the 50 people present.   I was part of that event, but only a small part, and in his next stage of life my part will be smaller still.  This is the letting go, the giving of wings.  I must do it gracefully and gratefully.  

Go with God, my son.  Make good use of the wings you have been given.  Treasure your roots. Your father and I couldn't be more grateful this day.  

Women: Life-Givers

A significant factor in the longevity of men...is being married to a woman.  

Whereas...

A significant factor in the longevity of women...is having close female friendships.  

I giggled a giggle that smacked of female superiority when I first heard this conclusion from research noted in The Tending Instinct, by Shelley E. Taylor.  But then I began to mull, "Why is that?" "What does that mean for my life?" "Why are relationships with women linked to longevity for both men and women?"

As I pondered, the meaning of the name "Eve" came to mind: "Life-Giver."  Could it be that God designed women to "give life" not just physically through childbearing, but in other ways?  Am I doing that?  Am I receiving "life" from other women?  Is there something we have lost as a culture that needs to be regained?  

Shortly thereafter, I had a talk with my husband about stress -- his and mine.  While excessive stress isn't good for anyone, (warning: sexist statement to follow) we concluded that our home works better when he is under too much stress than when I am under too much stress. 

What he said surprised me:  "When things are terrible at the office, and it is the end of the quarter, and the numbers aren't there, and the pressures are overwhelming, if I know I have a supportive wife to come home to, and if romance awaits there, it's all OK.  I can slug through whatever I need to, because I have you."

But then he added this: "But when you are under undue stress, and you come home, there is no helping you. Even if we help on the homefront to ease your burden, it seems we don't have what it takes to ease your stress."

It is true!  And my husband is wonderful. But when I bring stress home, it doesn't leave me -- I just feel added stress that I'm not spending enough time with the children, not nurturing my husband, not getting things done well, not being what I was meant to be.  I'm not happy and "ain't nobody happy."  I am all "to do," and lack life for myself or for anyone else. 

What helps?  I could insert some deeply spiritual statement here, and many would be apt, but... it's funny how a walk with a friend helps. A phone conversation with a supportive mother/sister/friend helps.  A deep connection with a life-giver helps.  A cup of tea with the right kind of woman (see Titus 2) gives perspective, direction, connection, conviction, inspiration, example, joy -- life to me.

Now I begin to see my power and my responsibility and my desire.  Life-giver.  I am the flesh-and-blood 'life-giver' for my family.  (And I'd like to remain the only one.)  If my family seems sapped of life, I need to look in the mirror. I sense the need to re-order my life so that what I do does not overwhelmingly stress me, suck the life out of me.  Because then everyone starves.  

One indicator of my health in this regard is whether I have time for female friends who give life to me.  If I can occasionally take the time to walk with a friend or have a deep conversation with a life-giving woman, I am more likely to have the energy to give life to my family.  A national survey from 2006 found a sharp decline in friendships. Research co-author Lynn Smith-Lovin, a sociologist at Duke University said, "From a social point of view, it means you've got more people isolated."  That means life-starved women and life-starved families.

As with so many things, Scripture from ancient days is confirmed psychologically and sociologically today.  God's truths are not only spiritual, they are "made flesh".  And this particular truth is "made flesh" today in our homes when over-stressed women cannot give to their families the life they desperately need.  And, now and then, we see it beautifully "made flesh" when a woman's soul is nourished and overflows and delights to impart life to those around her.  (I can count these women on my fingers -- and in my heart!)

Oh, let that be me.  What needs to change in my life so I can give life?  (Recognizing that, at times, the options for change seem few indeed.) May it be said of me, "she makes the hard choices so that she has life to give," "she overflows with life for others," "she can laugh at the days to come."  (Pr. 31:25)  

(Notes: Christ is the ultimate life-giver, and marriage relationships can also be life-giving.  This purpose of this article is not to discount those sources, but rather to explore the particular way that God uses women bring life to others.  Also, please avoid using these thoughts to beat up a spouse, "If only he would give me a break;" "If only she brought more life to our home." -- instead please ponder whether any still, small Voice is speaking gentle truth to your heart. )  

Thoughts?