Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Whose Side am I On?


Recently, I not-so-gently pointed out multiple things my son had done wrong.  Shortly thereafter, I was getting dressed when my conscience whispered, like a 'still, small voice', "Do you really want to be on the side of 'the accuser'?"  Ugh.  Too often I am the accuser of my children -- I stand with my checklist and see with blinding clarity all the things they do wrong, and am too quick to point out each one.  In my human (self-)righteousness, I often take the wrong side -- and, (as with all sin) for a time it feels so right!  After realizing that I could have instead gently corrected him, and been more effective!, I apologized to my son for my fault-finding, crabby disposition.

When my child leaves the room a mess, is my first assumption, followed quickly by my anger, that he is rebellious, disobedient, personally out to mess with my day?  Too often, yes.  What if I change my assumptions, and thus, the side I take?

A few years ago, my whole view of discipline was turned upside down during a book discussion where we unpacked a sentence which included this phrase:
"...[Children are] weak and ignorant persons, whose ignorance we must inform and whose weakness we must support, but whose potentialities are as great as our own..."  Link
In our culture, ignorance and weakness sound like negative terms, but ignorance simply means not knowing, and weakness is how we all enter the world.  Children are fully persons, who are simply ignorant and weak, and occasionally rebellious.  They need for us to inform and support them, rather than accuse.  Now I try to ask these simple questions when my children "mess up":
  1. Was she ignorant?  Meaning, did she simply not know what she ought to do?  This is frequently the case.  My job is to inform.  Did I set clear expectations?   If not, I can say, with a level head, "I'm sorry, I didn't make the expectations clear..."   Then, the next time we are about to enter a new situation (doctor's office, Aunt Lilly's front room, a Christmas performance) I can quietly get down on one knee and kindly inform them along these lines, "When we go in, say hello to Mrs. Smith.  You can sit quietly with some crayons and paper I brought for you to use.  You may touch the things on the small table only, and when we leave, we will have some time for you to run and play."  Then, I ask them to "tell back" what I said.  If they can, then I know, and they know, that they are no longer ignorant.  Informing is training my child in an area of manners or other habits so they are prepared for their world, set up to succeed rather than fail.
  2. Was he weak?  Most often when children misbehave, it is because their will is weak to both remember and make them do what they already know they ought.   My job is to support them in their weakness.  They may need a natural consequence, a way of remembering, a diversion, a new idea, a decent night of sleep, some encouragement from what will come after a trial is endured.  For example a child who tends to forget to brush their teeth could have a small note posted in an obvious place that says "brush teeth" as a reminder, until it becomes a habit.   They may need a new thought or story of charity to help inspire them to replace an unkind habit.  Children are strengthened in their weakness with the secure knowledge that play will follow work, dessert will follow vegetables, dinner will be served after toys are picked up, reaping will follow sowing (positive and negative).  Now I can pray, "Lord, show me how can I help to strengthening this area where my child is weak," and then listen and obey Him; rather than being controlled by anger rooted in hurt, fear or frustration.  Anger is never helpful in training, because children (rightly) view discipline in anger as being about my emotions rather than their growth.  
  3. Was he rebellious?  Rarely this is the case, and it should be the last thing we assume.  If our child rebels, our job is to firmly, but still lovingly, confront.  This may take courage and usually some pain on our part and theirs, as natural consequences are allowed to take their course.   But remember that we, too, have been rebels and have learned hard lessons, and He always waits as our Hope to welcome and forgive the repentant rebel.  I am amazed how seldomly my children continue to rebel against a natural consequence, given without anger.  (Remember the wise proverb:  "Don't fight with a pig -- you'll both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.") And if my child is unusually rebellious, I must ask myself, "Have I exasperated him by not really treating him as a person?  Is there something this person needs that I have withheld?" -- Time, sleep, consistency, affection, a ready ear, gentleness, respect, attention, etc?  While the rebellion must not be excused, I find that often I, too, have an area where I need to repent.  Rebellion tends to be infrequent when child and parent have real relationship together.
"But of two things [the mother] will be careful––that [the child] never slips off without [doing as they ought], and that she never lets the matter be a cause of friction between herself and the child, taking the line of his friendly ally to help him against that bad memory [or other weakness] of his."  Link
This is revolutionary to me.  Am I on her side as her ally; or against her as her accuser? Satan is the accuser.  Christ is our ally.  Christ is the one who humbled himself to experience life as I do (though without sin), paid for my shortcomings, gently shows me where I have strayed (His kindness leads me to repentance) and teaches me graciously from his well of wisdom.  Whose side am I on?
Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.  (from Rev. 12)